Have you ever done this? You said “YES” (again) to a drink that you didn’t really want. And then you get a load of negative self-talk in your mind like, “What’s wrong with me?” or “Why can’t I just stick to my goals?” or “I am so weak”. Hmmm, any of that sound familiar? Shame loves moments like these. It sits on your shoulder, and it thrives on criticism as it gleefully whispers in your ear, “You’re a failure!” or “You’re useless!” or “You’ve messed it up again!” Ouch!
WHAT IF there’s a kinder and more effective way to shift your habits? A method that begins with a good dose of self-compassion and that eliminates all that old self-judgment. Does that sound like something you’d be interested in?
Then let’s explore how treating yourself like your own best friend might be the secret to creating the lasting changes that you desire AND deserve.
The Problem with Shame
Shame is like pouring salt on a wound. It might feel like it has merit, but actually, it only deepens the hurt. Research clearly shows that self-criticism triggers stress hormones like cortisol, which can fuel cravings and impulsive decisions.
Self-compassion, on the other hand, acts like a soothing balm. And it’s not about excusing behavior. Rather, it is about acknowledging that, “This is hard, and I’m doing my best.” Studies find that people who practice self-compassion are more resilient, less anxious, and better at sticking to their goals. Because kindness reduces fear of failure, therefore freeing you to try again.
When you shame yourself. Your mind goes into fight or flight mode, and it clings to old habits like drinking alcohol for quick relief. Self-compassion though is a signal of safety. And in a calm state, your mind is more open to learning new ways of coping and new ways of “being”.
Self-Compassion in Practice
Let me give you an example. Instead of saying to yourself, “I’m a bad person for drinking last night.” Say to yourself, “I am a human being. What can I learn from this?” The second statement is far more resourceful, isn’t it?
What if, instead of focusing on the slip-ups, you celebrate the small wins? Do you congratulate yourself for the progress you are making? How does that feel?
Oh, by the way, this is NOT the soft approach. It’s strategic. Because compassion teaches you that you can succeed by creating a mental landscape where change feels possible.
Talk to yourself like a friend
I’m pretty sure you wouldn’t berate someone you love in this situation. You’d offer them support. So, from now on, extend that same grace and kindness to yourself.
Use a Self-Compassion Affirmation
Quit the harsh inner dialogue and use positive mantras like “I am learning and that’s ok” or “Every day in every way I am getting better and better.”
There is no Failure, only Feedback
If you missed your goal, then instead of being critical. Get curious. Ask yourself “What triggered that choice” or “What can I do differently if that situation arises again.” Journaling can really help you with these reflections.
Practice Moments of Compassion
For example, before reaching for a drink. Pause and take 3 conscious breaths. Then ask yourself, “What do I really need right now?” Maybe it’s a connection or a rest or even a walk rather than a drink.
After all, this is about honouring your humanity while you explore what works. And changing your relationship with alcohol isn’t a race. It’s a practice. And practices thrive on patience rather than perfection, which means you are allowed to be a work in progress. That’s the power of self-compassion.
Small steps add up. Maybe after reading this, you could write down one thing that you are proud of this week.
If you’re curious, check out what the UM app offers in terms of tools to make this shift feel tangible.
Until next time, be kind to yourself.